Alas, I Cannot Swim
by polaroidprincess
Summary: Lily Evans doesn't see the point anymore. Voldemort's darkness is engulfing the Wizarding world, her family has been torn apart and her friends just don't understand. But in order to fight, Lily must finish her seventh year, which may be far more eventful that she had ever dreamed thanks to a certain James Potter...
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I own nothing.**

**The first part of Chapter 1 is set when Lily was 11 but the story skips to Seventh Year before the chapter finishes. So don't be put off by what at first ****seems to be a story about Lily as a child, it is definitely not!**

* * *

Lily had never been a patient child. At Christmas she was the first to rise or, more accurately, hurtle from her bed and pelt downstairs to the silent sitting room where her presents were haphazardly piled next to the rest of the family's. In school her arm could be seen frantically waving in response to a question the teacher had asked, the owner practically bursting with impatience to impart her knowledge to the class. She could only restrain herself for about two chapters before she would skip to the last page of the book- what she found there didn't even have to make narratorial sense as long as her impulse was sated. She always wanted to know _why_ and _how_ right there and then; Lily had a special frown reserved for individuals who were unable to satisfy her curiosity. Her brows would knit together, her small mouth pursuing in a moue while her remarkably expressive emerald eyes would convey the depths of her disappointment and frustration at your failure. Adults generally recoiled when confronted with such a forceful glare though Tom Evans, Lily's father, tended to break into peals of laughter, ruffle her hair affectionately and call her his 'little firecracker'. Of course, this only infuriated Lily more and she would stomp off in a huff to one of her special places, separating herself from people who 'didn't understand'. It was one of these exchanges with her father that had led Lily to her current location after his ignorance on the subject of the moon had been revealed, leading to glowering on her part and much amusement on his.

She was currently concealed in a small, leafy thicket poring over a hardback book that yielded far more information about the moon and its mysteries than Tom Evans could ever hope to produce. The hot summer sun filtered through densely packed leaves above her and a fly hovered for several minutes above her exposed freckled shoulder before lazily settling on its target, only to find itself tragically assassinated by a well placed hand a few seconds later. This is where the boy, wearing a shabby, faded blue shirt that fell mid-thigh on his too-short jeans, discovered her. She barely glanced up as he clumsily swept the leafy fronds that covered a naturally occurring entrance aside, seating himself heavily opposite her on the earthen floor. The only acknowledgement of his presence was a mumbled 'Hello Severus', as she flicked a page in her book, pausing to push some of her thick dark-red hair behind her ear.

'I got it.'

There was no sign that Lily heard his quietly spoken words. She was absorbed in her book, greedily soaking in some fascinating details about the atmosphere of moon. It sounded only slightly more suffocating than the ridiculously muggy air she was currently suffering through.

'Lily.' This time there was more force when Severus spoke and excitement was evident in his voice. She raised her head, fixing her green orbs on his intense black stare. 'I got **it. **My Hogwarts letter. It came.'

For a moment everything in the clearing seemed to freeze before Lily threw herself at him and he found himself being squeezed tightly around his middle. He awkwardly placed his arms around her, unsure of whether this was allowed, and his stomach lurched strangely as if he were falling from a great height. A moment later, Lily breathlessly drew back from the hug, sudden worry etched across her face.

'Oh, this is brilliant Severus but...' she tailed off, clearly troubled by her thoughts. He was able to discern them easily.

'Don't worry, I told you- you'll get someone who comes and explains it to your parents. To prove it's real and make sure they don't get scared. That's why your letter isn't here yet.'

She looked relieved at his explanation and her face shifted back to delight as she ran over his news in her mind.

'It is real then.' Lily seemed to almost be speaking to herself. 'I knew it was. What did your parents say?'

Severus shrugged noncommittally though a flash of distress appeared in his dark eyes. 'Not much... My mum seemed pleased. My dad wasn't home.'

Lily looked sympathetic and reached out a small hand to touch his bony one. 'It'll be alright.' She brightened, speaking in reverent tones. 'You'll get a _wand.'_

Severus was quick to remind her: 'So will you. We'll both get them, together.' He reddened at this comment though Lily showed no sign that anything was amiss and grinned back at him, her small heart shaped face lit up with anticipation at what lay ahead.

She suddenly pouted. 'I hope they come today. I absolutely hate waiting.' Severus gave a small wry smile, well aware of Lily's lack of patience and sought to assure her. 'They'll come before the thirty-first. That's when the letter says we have to reply by. They'll probably come today.' He noticed Lily's face had darkened and she looked unsure of herself. He could take a guess at what was bothering her and blurted out:

'You'll get in!' He blushed again and quietened his tone. 'You'll get in no problem.' He was rewarded with a beaming smile from the red-head and he quickly looked down at his lap as his sallow skin flushed a deep shade of umber. Consequently, he missed her picking up the moon book that had so entranced her and scrambling to her feet.

'Come _on _Sev...' Looking up he saw Lily was now standing, impatiently tapping her foot on the floor. 'What if my messenger is there already? I should get home.' Severus stood up too, brushing his too-long hair out of his eyes and followed Lily out of the clearing.

On the way home they chatted energetically about something Severus called 'Wizard Chess.' Lily learned it was like normal chess except:  
'The pieces actually move? And talk?'

'Yes, and they don't like it when you lose. I'd show you, but Dad threw away our set. He didn't like the noise.' Severus' face soured. 'But I'm sure they'll have it at Hogwarts.'  
By now they had reached the junction that separated the way to Spinner's End and the street leading to Lily's house. She turned to face Severus and impetuously hugged him briefly again, saying 'Goodbye Sev! See you tomorrow!' before turning to run down her road.  
'Wait!'  
Lily paused and pivoted, with a quizzical look on her face.

'Just...just, good luck.'

She broke into a wide, joyful grin and his heart soared in his chest. She waved again; he watched go until her shining red hair had disappeared around the corner and she was no longer visible.

Lily noisily banged the door upon entering the house, startling her mother who peered out from the kitchen to see which of her offspring had created the disturbance. 'Oh Lily, I wish you'd be just a bit more considerate sometimes' she sighed as her youngest daughter burst into the room, knocking over some precariously perched pans as she did so. The clatter startled a tabby cat that lay basking in the sweltering rays of the sun on the flagstones beyond the French doors, causing the animal to right itself and haughtily stalk off down the garden path. Lily stared for a moment. 'Mum, when did we get a cat?' Her mother's answer was swallowed up by Lily's next question as her famous impatience made itself known.

'Has anyone been in to see me?'

Her mother's blank look was evidently not the answer the child had been seeking and the famous frown began to form on her face.

'Oh wait! There was one young man for you...' Her mother shot her a sideways glance, mischief sparkling in the blue eyes that she and Petunia shared.

Lily looked eager. 'Who was it?'

'Someone from your school.'

Lily was practically hopping with excitement. 'Yes, and?'

'And... he asked if you would like to go to the park with him and his family tomorrow! David Hitchings really is a lovely boy Lily and so pol-'

But the rest of Rosemary Evans' praise for David Hitchings was drowned out by the sound of a chair hitting the tiles and pounding footsteps on the stairs as Lily stormed out of the kitchen.

'Well...11 _is _a bit young.' mused Mrs Evans.

Lily poked her head around her sister's doorway and spotted her target sprawled on her bed, scribbling furiously in a A4 spiral-bound notebook.

'Tuney-' she began.

'Gah!' Her sister noticed her presence and looked guilty- intriguing. But she'd worry about that later. Right now there were more pressing matters at hand.

'Have you seen anyone a little bit strange near the house today? Anyone a bit, urm...different?'

'No, I haven't, sorry Lily.' She thought for a moment. 'Though that boy in your class who picks his nose and eats it was here. David Hitchings.' She made a face. 'He had a good root around while waiting on the doorstep. I saw him from the window.'

Lily's heart sank and she turned to go. 'Thanks Tuney, it's ok.'

'Hold on!' Her sister had jumped off the bed and was tying up her feathery blonde hair in a ponytail. 'Do you want to go to the swings?'

'I can't, I have to wait for someone.'

Petunia's pale blue eyes narrowed. 'Is it that Snape boy?'

'No, I was with him just now.'

Her sister pounced.

'So you'll go off with him but not with me?' Her pretty pale features were angry and pinched, showing hurt at the perceived rejection.

'No, it's not like that, he got his Hogwarts letter tod-'

'Hogwarts again!' Petunia laughed bitterly. 'It's not real Lily! He's lying to you! You're so silly!'

Lily stiffened. 'It is real! Someone's coming today, you'll see!'

Petunia scoffed. 'No it's not! It's just a silly fairy story for babies. You're such a child.'

'You're one year older than me. And it's not silly!'

'Oh go away Lily, leave me alone. Go and play with your dolls.' Petunia's voice had taken on a curiously tight, sneering quality as if she were caught between tears and manic laughter.

'I'm sorry Tuney, I don't want to argue-'

'GO!'

Lily took the hint and fled to her room.

Her bedroom was located at the far end of the hallway, marked by a large wooden sign that hung on the door proclaiming 'Lily's Room, Keep Out!' She'd had it up there since she was 8 and had realised how much she valued her privacy. Once inside she flopped on the bed, despondent at the lack of messengers and/or letters that had arrived at the Evans residence. Rolling over, she faced a large corkboard that displayed various pieces of evidence of her existence. A ribbon for spelling, a certificate for swimming a length in the local pool, a 'calender' made out of felt from Year 1... In the corner there was a battered, wonky drawing depicting a lopsided castle with red sparks apparently shooting from its highest turret. Underneath were the carefully printed letters that spelled 'HOGWARTS'. Rosemary Evans' careful handwriting informed the viewer that this particular piece of art should be attributed to 'Lily, aged 7.' Lily reached out a hand and gently traced the outline of her castle. 'It _is_ real.'

She spent the rest of the day in her room trying, and failing, to remain interested in her moon book. The moon was so far away and Hogwarts was so near... There was really no contest between which would occupy her mind. She remained on edge, racing to the top of the stairs every time the doorbell sounded, only to traipse back to her base when the visitor disappointed her. Slowly, the hours passed, shadows on the outside pavement stretching and merging into one as darkness took over.

Lily sat sullenly at the dinner table, poking at the spaghetti her mother had coaxed her downstairs for. She felt a lump in her throat and quickly swallowed, shaking her hair in front of her face to cover her distress. Petunia was telling a story about a cat she had seen teasing the neighbour's dog. '...and then it just stalked away! It knew what it was doing Mum, I swear.'

Lily wasn't listening. She had been so sure that it was today, that they would come and it would all change. Severus had said so and he knew. Oh, why hadn't they come? Maybe Tuney was right, maybe it was all a big lie, maybe Hogwarts was just a story thought up by a lonely little boy who wanted a friend. Maybe-

But she wasn't able to finish the thought. A sharp rap at the door cut through her melancholy. Tom Evans frowned. 'Who on earth is it at this time?'.  
The knock sounded again, more impatient than before. Tom extracted himself from the table and the family heard his soft footfall padding down the carpeted hall. There followed the unmistakable sound of a door opening and a low murmuring as Tom conversed with whoever had been standing on the other side. A sudden silence was broken by Tom's voice which contained a note of disbelief.  
'Lily? Lily, there's someone here to see you.'

And Lily knew that this was it.

**6 YEARS LATER**

A hand was shaking her shoulder gently. Woozily she pulled herself from deep slumber and tentatively opened her eyes. She could see leather, red leather and lots of it. She must have fallen asleep on the train which meant-

'Crap!'. She had missed the prefects meeting and was still in the muggle garb she had boarded the train in. She wondered if any previous Head Girls had managed to so successfully botch the job before they had even reached Hogwarts but it seemed like a task only she had the unfortunate luck to achieve.

A chuckle pulled her from her musings. She directed her gaze towards the opposite seat where a lean boy with tawny hair sat, his amusement at her predicament obvious.

'Shut up Remus.'

'Be careful now... You have an example to set.' His words were warning but the accompanying smile said he meant nothing by them. She met toffee eyes, lit with warmth.

'You seemed pretty far gone. I was nudging you for a good two minutes before you moved.'

Lily passed a hand over her face, yawning as she did so. Despite her nap she felt incredibly tired, weariness that somehow reached into her very bones. She just wanted to curl up and sleep forever. But this wasn't an option. She had things to do, people to avoid.

'Lils? You haven't said anything.'

She gave Remus a small smile in an attempt to placate him. It didn't work and his expression grew worried, the premature lines etched around his mouth becoming more pronounced. He leaned forward and fixed his gaze on hers intensely until she could take it no longer, breaking the stare shamefacedly.

'Lily... You didn't write back. Not once. Not to any of us. Marlene's going crazy, none of us know what's been happening.'

'I'm sorry Remus, but the funeral and then I had to organize some things-' she stumbled over the words, breaking off as the ball lodged in her throat grew too large to speak.

'We're here for you Lils. If you'll let us be.'

She wished he could look at her without pity. It was an awful thing to see in someone's face. She was still Lily, nothing else had changed. Yes, she was sad. But how could she begin to feel normal again when her friends treated her like fragile china? And they wondered why she hadn't answered their letters.

'I'm fine Remus.' He looked skeptical and she gave a small laugh. 'Well I'm not, but I will be. I promise. Scout's honour.' As a half blood she knew Remus would get the reference and sure enough his answering smile demonstrated her lame joke had convinced him she was ok. Or that she could at least maintain the pretence of stability while in public.

'How much longer have we got?'

'We've been travelling for about 3 hours, so a good 45 minutes I'd say.'

'I should change.'

'Well, unless McGonagall's suddenly altered the uniform regulations to Muggle clothing, I would. Mind you, I think Sirius would have no objections if the female population suddenly began sporting such attire.' Remus gave a wolfish grin but showed no signs of moving.

'Uh, Remus...' Lily plucked at her top and raised an eyebrow questioningly.

'Oh right!' He blushed deeply and stood, making his way to the compartment door. 'I'll see you later. You didn't miss much at the Prefects meeting by the way, just a small speech by the Head Boy about what to expect in the way of duties. I said you had a headache to explain your absence.'

Lily was touched by his kindness and showed it in the genuine smile she gave him. 'Thanks Remus. I'll see you at the feast.' He left then, taking the comforting feeling his presence imbibed with him.

Lily swiftly changed into her robes, not wanting to linger. Slowly she took out the foreign object she had stored in the pocket of her jeans. The badge sat in the palm of her hand, its shiny embossed surface winking at her. 'Head Girl' it said. She had worked for this for so long and now... It felt like an empty title, one devoid of meaning or value. Head of what? Hogwarts could no longer provide protection from outside horrors. She was unable to ignore the threat that had been simmering for so long. How could they expect her to write Prefect schedules and plan Hogsmeade trips when people were dying?

Lily sighed and attached the badge to the front of her robes. It occurred to her that she had failed to ask Remus who the Head Boy was. She was surprised- she had expected the quietly authoritative boy to be awarded the title. She supposed his lycanthropy had made it impossible for him to fill the role and felt a rush of anger on his behalf. Equality seemed unreachable whichever world she inhabited, Muggle or Wizarding. She had no intuition as to her opposite's identity and did not care so long as it wasn't Sev- Snape. Anyone but him. Even Potter would be better.

She let out a snort. 'Potter, Head Boy! That's it Lily, you are genuinely mad.'

After checking the corridor was clear of people, she entered a bathroom with the intent to at least make herself look presentable. Lily didn't like seeing her reflection these days, it just reminded her of what she had lost. The dark-red hair and emerald eyes that stared back triggered a flood of memories of her father. Not only had he shared these features, he had been most proud of how they manifested in his daughter. 'Lovely, lovely Lily' he had called her. She could hear his laughter in her mind, teasing her. 'I'll have to buy a gun soon to keep those boys away Lil! Does a gun work against a wand? We'll soon find out!'. She felt faint suddenly as the realisation smacked into her again- he was really gone. A tear escaped her eye, rolling slowly down one smooth pale cheek, trembling on the curve of her lips. She could taste salt.

An angry hand dashed against her mouth and she wiped her eyes to protect against the threat of more teardrops. 'Stop it!' she whispered harshly. 'Pull yourself together!' Two gulping deep breaths helped her regain control of herself. The time for tears was over. She didn't have a choice anymore, she wasn't in the privacy of her room. The option of weakness was gone and it was time to start behaving like the adult she had been forced to grow into. Taking out a hairband, Lily pulled the silky strands into a loose ponytail- there. That at least looked decent. A bit of mascara here... Some blusher there... It was a costume, a mask of normality that would prevent probing questions but it was all she had at the moment. Soon she would have to face her friends. Remus had evidently covered for her, just one in a long list of selfless acts he performed for the people he cared about. The thought of seeing the others made her stomach churn with nervousness. She missed them, it was true, but there was a space between them now. The war was changing everything and the dynamics had shifted beyond repair. She only hoped they would understand her behaviour towards them, though this was improbable. She didn't think Remus had exaggerated when he said Marlene was 'going crazy'. It was just like her fiercely loyal friend to go mad if she was kept in the dark about Lily's welfare.

The train jolted to a standstill, interrupting Lily's ruminations. Outside, excited voices chattered as compartment doors opened and students poured in the corridors. She heard snatches of conversation as people passed:

'... she slept with him anyway. Apparently the whole 'might be gay' thing didn't matter.'

'Do you think Slughorn will notice? It's awfully conspicuous.'

'I think I'll die if Sirius Black doesn't ask me out. He's so beautiful!'

'Helga Hufflepuff! That's so unfair; I've been looking for her for ages!'

Lily snorted a little at the comment about Sirius, glad he couldn't hear such ego-swelling praise. One day his head would blow up like a helium balloon and he'd float off into space. Maybe he'd do her a favour and take Potter with him. Anyway, she was getting distracted. It was time to return to the real world. Exiting the bathroom, she grabbed her luggage from the compartment and made her way to the nearest door. Taking a deep breath, Lily stepped off the train.

She was back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: I own nothing.**

* * *

Lily had never been so uncomfortable in all her life. She was flanked by two second year boys who were torn between awe that the Head Girl was sitting with them, and their hormones. Consequently, she kept catching them attempting to look down her robes.

'Look guys, don't make me give you detention before the feast is over' she warned, hiding her smile as they both turned the colour of the roasted tomatoes that lay heaped in a dish before them. They muttered something about 'admiring her badge' and she had to give them credit for their quick thinking. The good feeling was swiftly washed away as she turned to face the teachers' dais and felt a cold stare boring through her back. There was no need to confirm who it was. This was a regular occurrence since that awful day in Fifth Year- no. She would not think of it. Willing herself to remain serene, Lily fixed a neutral smile on her face as the Headmaster gracefully raised himself from the table and began his speech.

Truthfully, she wasn't listening to Dumbledore's words though she suspected they may be particularly emphatic on the subject of inter-house unity. Instead, her mind was occupied plotting the quickest route from the Great Hall. The earlier bravery had dissipated and she knew her luck in avoiding her friends would soon run out. The vast wave of students had swept her along and it had been easy to seat herself amongst the Second Years at the feast. If she could just get to the dorms and feign sleep the inevitable questions would be postponed until at least breakfast tomorrow, if not later. Esther and Marley shared an inability to function until they had digested the first meal of the day, a habit that could definitely buy her time. Ironic really- Gryffindor was home of the brave and here she was attempting to run from confrontation. Almost tragic.

An angular twelve year old elbow nudged her. 'Oi!' It was one of her dining companions.

'What do you want now? Little shi—'

'They said your name!'

Lily became aware the Great Hall's usual cacophony of noise had diminished to a low hum. And that a lot of expectant faces were now watching _her._

Crap. No, this called for stronger expletives.  
**Fuck.**

She felt the second year poke her again. 'Get up then!' he hissed, a smirk plastered on his face that was annoyingly reminiscent of James Potter. The younger years were definitely far cockier than she remembered being at that stage. Although, there was that one time she had told those Prefects to 'mind their own bloody business' when they asked why she was trying to strangle Sirius Black...

She'd drifted off again and Dumbledore brought her back down to reality with a bump. He looked amused, baby blues twinkling away behind his glasses. 'As I was saying... our new Head Girl and Boy are Lily Evans and James Potter. They are here to support you in your endeavours; please do not hesitate to approach them. They do not bite... though there was that one incident wasn't there Mr Potter?'

Lily missed James' answering shout of laughter, frozen as she was by the announcement. _Potter?_ How could it be him? He had spent the majority of their first five years here alternately hexing half his fellow students and severely pranking the remainder. Had Dumbledore forgotten the great Valentine's trick of Fourth Year when the Marauders (the stupidest name she had ever heard) managed to charm the pumpkin juice, making the drinker sing love sonnets to all and sundry? It had been funny, yes, to hear that prize twat Lucius Malfoy serenade Professor Sinistra. But Potter was a bully. It wasn't just Sev- (for God's sake she must stop doing that) Snape he targeted. He directed his hexes at anyone he deemed less fantastically talented on the Quidditch Pitch, less superbly handsome and well-built, less brilliantly intelligent in all areas magical. And Potter's incredibly high opinion of himself meant that this applied to most of the castle's occupants, minus his four closest friends. And her. Though she had been subject to a very different sort of attention, one that had revolted her to the core.

She had to admit Potter had been less obvious in his bullying last year. He seemed to have matured a little. And after the lake incident he hadn't approached her again. In fact, his former affection seemed to have vanished altogether and if they were forced together he treated her with neutrality that sometimes bordered on dislike, as if she were an ancient visiting aunt to be tolerated but not taken seriously.

Wryly, she remembered her thoughts on the train. '_Anyone but Snape.'_ she had said. Her fairy godmother had clearly been working overtime. She tuned back in for Dumbledore's final sentence.

'And now, to bed you must go!' It contained no hint at her next task; Lily was at a loss as to what she should do. Perhaps listening to instructions did serve a purpose.

Thankfully, Professor McGonagall came to the rescue by beckoning Lily to her. She was led away from the chaotic crowds of students, to a small oaken door on the opposite side of the hall. Following McGonagall through the entrance revealed a compact room furnished with a rough table behind which sat two chairs. Lily complied with the professor's signal to take a seat; she was startled when the door swung open a moment later and James Potter bent his tall frame through the entrance and strode into the room, taking the chair next to Lily. She caught a flash of tanned skin and messy black hair before steadfastly transferring her gaze to meet McGonagall's stern one.

'I cannot tell you how pleased I was to find two Gryffindors had been selected as Head students this year. However, this also places additional pressure on you to represent both the school and your house in an exemplary manner. In these... difficult times, strong leaders are required. I trust you are both up to the challenge?'

Potter answered clearly, sounding calm. 'Yes Professor.' Lily murmured her agreement too, a little surprised by how authoritative Potter's tone had been. Perhaps he was taking this more seriously than she had thought. It would definitely make the job a whole lot easier if she didn't have to constantly cover for all the shit he got up to. She had enough on her plate already. Her father's face swam unbidden into her mind and she swallowed hard to banish the image.

'The first Prefect meeting is scheduled for Thursday. Gatherings will be held within your new dorm rooms. Please note that while the option of Head Student dorms is available, you are under no obligation to sleep there. It may merely be treated as a working space, rather than accommodation. Equally, I expect the area to be regarded with the same respect with which we are entrusting it to you. Nefarious (Lily inwardly giggled at McGonagall's choice of words, clearly directed at Potter) activities will not be tolerated and the privilege you have been granted will be revoked.' She fixed them both with the legendary steely gaze. 'Do not let me or Professor Dumbledore down.'

'Yes Professor' they chorused.

'I shall have Sebby show you to your rooms so you are aware of their location.' A CRACK resounded through the room, causing Lily to jump out of her seat. A chuckle seemed to emit from the boy beside her and she narrowed her eyes in response. The appearance of a small house elf distracted her from further thoughts of Potter's mysterious laughter, as the creature clearly indicated for the students to follow her.

'This way Masters!'

They had travelled at least 3 flights of stairs from their original position when Sebby stopped in front of a large oil painting. Lily's muscles felt like they were on fire, it had been so long since she last engaged in a concentrated period of demanding exercise. Taking the opportunity to catch her breath, she leaned against the rough stone wall, panting a little. Sensing Potter's smirk her eyes hardened and she glared at him, finally allowing herself an examination of the boy she would be enduring for the next year. Annoyingly, he appeared unruffled by her obvious dislike. His handsome features remained composed, the hazel eyes betraying no sign of emotion behind his glasses. Black hair, destined to remain eternally rumpled, had a dull sheen where the dim light from the torches touched it. Lily had heard countless girls sighing over this particular Potter feature, hoping they could 'just touch it. For research purposes only, of course.' Personally, she preferred the subtle attractiveness typified by Remus Lupin, but she couldn't deny that Potter's Sixth Year growth spurt had helped him come into his own. He had filled out- he looked like a man now. The thought sobered her; their adolescence was over.

'Bubotuber!' Sebby squeaked at the particularly repellent painting, depicting what appeared to be an overweight bearded wizard in an ornate violent gown being savaged by a crimson-hued dragon. Ripples emanated from the centre of the picture, the paint bubbling like molten lava. The golden frame smoothly separated from its original structure, re-shaping itself into the form of a large arch as both the painting and the figures it portrayed were absorbed into the stone wall. Lily gaped at the doorway that appeared, a thrill running through her. Magic still had the ability to amaze and enchant her, despite everything. That was something to hold onto at least.

'Your luggages are inside' the elf informed them. 'If you be needing anything, please call me.'

'Thank you Sebby.' Lily smiled at her, wondering how it felt to be that altruistic. Elves were such curious things, so eager to please, even at their own expense. And they seemed genuinely satisfied by their lot in life. It proved how easily subordination could be bred, a thought that brought the war to the forefront of her mind. If Voldemort succeeded, that would be her bowing and scraping. Or worse...

James broke the awkward silence left by the elf's departure by briskly stepping through the archway, leaving Lily standing alone in the corridor. He was so rude! He had yet to even address her... It was like she didn't even exist in his mind. Prick.  
Following in his wake, she ducked through the narrow entrance, stopping once her eyes adjusted to the tranquil lighting of the room. Two large bookcases stood opposite her and Gryffindor banners intermittently adorned the cream coloured walls, mirroring the lion insignia that marked two otherwise nondescript wooden doors located in the back wall, presumably their bedrooms. A third unmarked door separated them and she supposed this was the bathroom, heart sinking as she realised she would have to share the space with Potter. His crush on her may have abated, but she had no desire for him to be peeking at her naked when she was most vulnerable. A shiver ran down her spine; firmly dispatching the idea she noticed a large mahogany table was situated in the corner of the room accompanied by straight backed chairs, evidently waiting to be occupied by the Prefects on Thursday. That gave her four days to claw back a modicum of control over her life. Simple.

She noticed Potter had collapsed onto one of the plush scarlet velvet sofas in front of the flickering fire, kicking his shoes off and stretching so his crumpled white shirt rode up a bit, exposing a strip of toned abdomen. Lily rolled her eyes at his blatant exhibitionism.

'Potter.'

The boy opened one eye, clearly annoyed by the disturbance to his relaxation. An eyebrow quirked upwards, an unspoken question.

'We're going to have to speak at some point!' Damnit, Lily was annoyed now. Why couldn't he just be civil and polite, like a_ normal_ human?

James exhaled nosily and wrenched himself upright.

'Alright Evans. What did you want to talk about?' His deep voice carried a shade of mockery, as if he couldn't quite believe she was forcing them both through the charade.

'Just, urm...' Tailing off she found she didn't actually have anything to say. Desperately she tried to regain her conversational footing.

'I just thought... maybe we should clear the air. We're going have to work together this year and I don't want us to be...' she gesticulated lamely at the space between them, unable to articulate her uneasiness at his attitude towards her.

His stare penetrated her and she squirmed uncomfortably underneath the scrutiny, eyes cast down to avoid meeting his hazel ones. An unexpected sound caused her head to snap up as she realised- James Potter was _laughing._

More than that, he looked to be in hysterics, rolling about on the sofa. That stupid, immature, pathetic, wormy, idiotic PRICK!

'Merlin Evans! He mimicked her tone, wiping a tear from his eye. "_Clear the air"_... Oh that's a good one! How old are you?'

The blush rose from her chest, her face heating with embarrassment. At that moment she absolutely hated him.

'Well _Potter'_ she spat. 'I just wanted to make sure things run smoothly with minimum interaction between us unless it's absolutely necessary- something you clearly indicated a preference for!'

James held up a hand, confusion written on his face. 'Hang on, when did I say that?'

'You haven't spoken to me once tonight!'

'Calm down Evans, there's no need to get your knickers in a twist! The world doesn't revolve around you, y'know.'

She could have killed him right then and there but with admirable self-control she reduced her voice to a venomous hiss.

'I am well aware of that thank you Potter. And don't you dare presume you have _any_ effect on my underwear.'

He looked unsettled for an instant but quickly regained his composure.

'Then what's the problem?'

'The problem Potter is you trying to make things as bloody difficult as possible! I was trying to make this easier on both of us, but you just have to be an absolute arse about everything! You can just FUCK OFF!' Lily's voice broke on the last word and she turned hurriedly away to quickly collect herself before beginning to storm away to her room.

A large hand wrapped around her wrist.

'Get your hands off me.'

James released her as if he'd been burned and took a step backwards, displaying his palms as though fanning a fire.

'Look, Evans...'

She glowered at him, eyes ablaze with fury.

'I agree. I was just being a prat and I'm sorry. I'd like to at least maintain a courteous relationship with you.'

Against her will, Lily felt a smile tug at the corners of her mouth. 'Courteous? Now who's the old-fashioned one?'

His responding grin lit up his face. 'So, agreed? We'll be civil?'

'Fine Potter. But if you behave like a twat, I have no qualms about calling you out on it.'

'I wouldn't expect anything less. The same goes for you.'

A weight lifted off Lily's shoulders at his words. The implication she was lacking should be insulting but it provided security. Here was a safety net- if she messed up at least someone would notice. Who knew James Potter could ever provoke any emotion other than disgust?

'Right' James declared. 'I'm going to bed.' Seeing him disappear through the arch caused a strange emotion to bubble in her gut. It felt like loneliness. It seemed stupid to think she had supposed he would sleep in the dorm. Rarely was he separated from his three best friends and certainly not by choice. Yet something treacherous inside her longed for company, even if it meant Potter.  
This was ridiculous- she could be happily ensconced in the Gryffindor girls' dorm right this moment if she wanted. Lily reminded herself that this was _her_ choice and wearily pushed open the door that led to her new bedroom.

Oh...

It was her room. Every detail was identical to the one she thought she'd left behind forever when they had to give up the Cokeworth house. Lilac wallpaper bearing the permanent black scribble in the corner proudly proclaiming 'LILY', from a transgression committed when she was five. A battered table supported her lamp, which emitted a comforting glow bathing the room in warmth. Posters depicting her favourite bands smiled down at her and the bedspread was her treasured sunflower-yellow duvet. Even the corkboard propped facing the bed was the same.

Lily felt familiar soft carpet underneath her fingers and realised her knees had given way. It was merely a replica, she knew, but it was hard to care about such minor details when it felt like any moment now her father would knock on the door announcing dinner, or her mother would arrive with a bundle of clean clothes to be put away. Even the sight of Tuney flouncing past in a sulk was welcome. Funny how the small things became the most important.

Homesickness was not something Lily had ever been acutely affected by before, but the pain in her chest swelled, spreading through her body until it felt like all her nerves were dulled by heartache. Crawling onto her bed, she pulled the sunny covers over herself, though still fully clothed in her robes. There could be no submission to the tears that threatened. Lily could feel them attempting to burst out of her but she was horribly aware that if she started crying now, she wouldn't stop. Settling instead for curling up in a tight ball, she closed her eyes and imagined travelling the world. No war, no Potter, no worries, just her. Like it would always be. Exotic locations beckoned: lush jungles, crumbling ancient cities, sweltering deserts... She would visit them all one day. Thoughts of this future calmed her breathing and slowed her frantic mind. Tomorrow would bring new problems but for now Lily wrapped herself tighter in a cocoon of blankets and dreamed of what could be.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: I own nothing.**

* * *

'Where on earth have you _been_?' Marlene Mckinnon's unmistakeable voice cut through the Great Hall, causing Lily to wince and drop the thickly buttered slice of toast she had been holding. Steeling herself, she looked up from her position on the Gryffindor bench, making eye contact with the furious brunette. Marlene was obviously incensed, her wild brown hair flying around her head, creating a menacing Medusa effect. A fearsome sight to behold indeed.

'Hi Marley.'

Lily had hoped that snatching a quick breakfast would delay the inevitable altercation with her friends; she had deliberately risen an hour earlier than usual to avoid the scene she was now embroiled in. Now it seemed that she had sacrificed taking full advantage of her empty living quarters for nothing. Marley knew her far too well and had overcome her usual morning sluggishness to hunt her down.

'Don't you dare Lily! Don't pretend that nothing has happened.' Marlene threw herself into the empty space beside Lily and swung round to face her erstwhile friend. 'You completely cut us off!' Her voice lowered to a harsh whisper. 'Your father died and you just disappeared. We were so bloody worried Lily, we thought something terrible had happened!' She realised the accidental insinuation and blanched, backtracking. 'Not that something terrible didn't happen...'  
Lily almost laughed at Marlene's embarrassment but caught herself, realising how it would appear.

'I'm sorry Marley, it's been hard.'

The girl's face softened a little and placed her small Quidditch-calloused hand on Lily's. 'I know Lil. We just missed you. You know we're here for you right? I wish you'd just talk to us' she urged.

Guilt flooded Lily as she looked into Marlene's earnest chocolate eyes. She didn't want to talk about her father with the others yet but Marley would never understand why. Her friend was so open and trusting with her emotions- if she had a problem there was no question that she would discuss it. Lily had once believed that airing her issues was the first step to solving them. Now she wasn't so sure. The luxury of self-indulgent, in-depth conversation seemed shallow and selfish in the current climate. Not everything could be fixed. You had to pick your battles.

Weakly, she smiled at Marley. 'I'm ok Marls. I'm coping.' Marlene looked unconvinced and had opened her mouth to further protest when she was interrupted by a yell. 'LILY!'

Esther Dearborn was sprinting towards them, a determined look blazing on her face. On reaching the red-head she flung her arms around her, squeezing her so tightly Lily felt sure her ribs were bruised. Esther's lengthy dirty-blonde hair tickled her nose and she had to push the other girl away quickly before she-

'ACHOOO!'

Esther had looked affronted when Lily broke the hug but on realizing why she began to chuckle in her low, husky tones. 'I can't believe it Lils, you look so well for someone who, y'know...' Esther was famously tactless. Occasionally, it could be an advantage to Lily, like right now. Marlene looked completely scandalised by Esther's lack of thoughtfulness pertaining to what she perceived to be a sensitive subject. Consequently, she decided to abandon her cross-examination and hastily changed topic. 'Alright Es, that's enough. So- Lils. James Potter, Head? Tell us everything!'  
Lily was very happy to discuss Potter's shocking appointment as Head Boy and they spent the remainder of breakfast gleefully ripping him apart. Their slander-session came to an abrupt end when Sirius Black plopped himself down opposite Esther and asked Lily why she was playing catch with an apple (she was actually pretending to be Potter fooling about with a Snitch).

'I mean, if you want to play with some _real _balls Evans...'

'You are so vile Black.'

'Calm down Lily dearest, I was merely going to suggest you visited the Qudditch Pitch-'

'Oh, right.'

'- and said hello to Prongs!'

Laughing, he ducked the piece of toast Lily threw at him.

She wished she had got butter in his stupid hair.

'Don't you have some other women to sexually harass, Black?' Marlene piped up.

'No ladies' he grinned through a mouthful of porridge. 'I'm all yours.'

'All two inches of you.' Esther drawled lazily.

Sirius turned an unusual shade of crimson and returned to his breakfast, muttering sullenly about 'slander'.

Lily laughed, suddenly realising that this was the first time she had felt so genuinely happy in a long time. Things may have irrevocably changed, but these people would always have the power to brighten her day.

'Morning all.'

Shit, she'd spoken too soon. Potter plonked himself next to Black and began pouring orange juice. He was accompanied by Remus and Peter Pettigrew who had grown about three inches over summer. Remus shot Lily a covert smile across the table, a look that managed to convey apology for Potter's presence and concern for her wellbeing.

'Potions first?'

'What are you talking about Prongs, you know I've got Runes?'

'I was addressing Evans actually Padfoot.'

Lily could see her surprised expression mirrored on the faces of her friends. Since the dramatic end to their Fifth Year Potter had avoided directly addressing her in public unless he had a message to deliver. Was this the result of their conversation last night? Lily regretted allowing him to aggravate her- she felt she'd exposed part of herself she really didn't want Potter to see.

Lily suddenly became aware she was gaping at James. Snapping her mouth shut she gathered her wits.

'Urm...yes.' _That _response was her wits? She may as well quit Hogwarts and become a cleaner for St Mungos now.

James looked slightly irritated by her short reply but replied nonetheless.

'Me too. Looking forward to another year of Slughorn?

This time Lily was ready. 'Yes... I'm preparing myself for showers of undeserved praise.' She rolled her eyes to show her sarcasm. Slughorn's zealous admiration of Lily's talents was notorious throughout the Seventh Year student body.

'Mind you don't wear anything too revealing or you'll be drowning in it.' Mischief shone in his eyes.

Did he...did Potter just make a joke? To her? Perhaps this whole morning had been some sort of surreal dream. No, it was real. She'd tried to wake herself from the nightmare enough times in summer to know that.

'Sweet Merlin...' Sirius whispered. 'Here we have the very rare sight of James Potter and Lily Evans conversing politely. Be careful Wormtail, any sudden moves and they might turn savage- ow! What gives mate?' he asked Remus, rubbing his head, while his friend widened his eyes in mock innocence and began neatly cutting his bacon into strips.

'I could take points now Pads.' James threatened, clearly joking.

'Stabbed in the back by those I call brother!' Sirius mimed being speared by his butter knife while Peter laughed.

'While I always enjoy your little shows Black, Esther and I have Arithmancy.' Marlene announced. 'Lils, we'll see you at lunch right?' Lily did not miss the pleading note her voice carried. The topic of her missing summer may have been forgotten for now but Marlene was not about to let her disappear into herself again. She gave a wide smile that showed her teeth. 'Wouldn't miss it.' Marlene looked relieved and picked up her books. Esther hopped off the bench too, bending down to hug Lily goodbye and breathe: 'I'm glad you're back' in her ear. She followed Marlene out of the hall to their lesson.

Turning back to the table, Lily realised that Sirius was staring at her with his unfathomable silver eyes and remembered the girl she'd overhead on the train. It was true, Sirius Black had been blessed with annoyingly good genes. His silky black hair and sculpted features coupled with a true 'don't-give-a-fuck' air made him akin to a celebrity in the halls of Hogwarts. .

'So Evans... alone with four delectable young men. Please, try your best not to wet your pants. I know it's tempting.'

Too bad about his smart-ass mouth.

Seeing the opportunity for a quick exit, Lily grabbed her bag and stood up. 'You're right Black. I fear I better leave before I'm overwhelmed and horribly embarrass myself.' One of the other three snorted with restrained laughter and Lily had a sneaking suspicion that it was Potter. Turning to go she heard the bench creak as it was relieved of someone's weight; a moment later she was joined by the Head Boy himself. He shrugged nonchalantly in response to her raised eyebrow. 'We're going the same way and besides-' he lowered his voice 'I listened to what you said last night.'

A blush crept into Lily's cheeks at the memory but she nodded to indicate she understood.

They walked the rest of the way to Potions in silence. Lily snuck glances at James out of the corner of her eye, puzzled by his behaviour. The James she had known for six years seemed to have evaporated, replaced by the mysterious young man strolling alongside her. There had to be a catalyst for this change of character. Perhaps he too had been affected by the unrest that was dividing the Wizarding world. It frightened Lily to think that even a family as rich and revered in magical society as the Potters could be touched by war. She turned her mind to the trivial question of the lunch menu, letting it occupy her until they reached Potions.

'Right class!' Slughorn waffled happily ten minutes later. 'At NEWT level we can we really have some fun. Time to put you in pairs I think...' Inadvertently Lily's gaze flicked to where Severus Snape sat, flanked by Mulciber and Avery. Silently, she repeated her earlier prayer from the train.  
'Anyone but him. Please anyone but him.'

At that moment Snape turned around, black eyes widening in horror when they met Lily's emerald ones. His face twisted with anguish, but a nudge from Avery made him swiftly face the front after sending one more agonised glance her way. A hand brushed her arm gently and she jumped. Potter was staring at her, confusion and- was that _concern?_- written on his face. He reddened and his expression shifted to detached.

'You were shaking.'

Great, another moment of weakness and James Potter was once again there to witness it all. Thankfully, she was saved by Slughorn.

'Potter, Prewett!'

Potter turned away, shouldering his bag and went to join Alice Prewett, Frank Longbottom's girlfriend, by her cauldron.

'Now, Smedgely... I think, yes- Evans!'

A Slytherin. Her prayers to evade Snape must be answered by a Monkey's Paw. Max Smedgely sauntered over to her cauldron, his tall frame relaxed. Preparing herself for a hostile demeanour, Lily was surprised when Max gave her a tight smile of greeting. At least he wasn't a member of Snape's little group. Lily didn't think she could stand an entire year of the aggression Avery or Mulciber would bring.

'I thought we'd start with a real treat this year!' Slughorn beamed around the class, apparently unaware of their distinct lack of enthusiasm. 'The Wiggenweld Potion is particularly tricksy but it will help you revise some of the key brewing skills studied last year. Ingredients can be found on the front bench and please collect a pair of heatproof gloves from the cupboard. 5 points to the pair who progress furthest!'

'So Evans... I hear you're pretty good at Potions.'

Lily mentally readied herself for the inevitable punchline concerning her blood status. Surely Salazer Slytherin had required more from students than just genetic purity? Annoying how somewhere deep down the barbs they threw still hit their mark.

Smedgely had yet to finish his joke.

'Yes, and?' she questioned acidly.

Max looked puzzled and her annoyance grew. She wanted to get this over with and start the stupid potion already.

'Blood?' she spat.

'Well, yeah' he said, comprehension dawning on his face. 'We will need salamander blood. Haven't you got your Potions book?'

Wrong footed, Lily stumbled over her words. 'Urm... y-yeah, I think so. I'll just uh, look in my bag.' Hoping he wouldn't see the bright red cheeks, she bent over her things on the pretence of searching for the missing tome. Behind her Max muttered that he was going to fetch the ingredients. She thought she caught a mumbled 'No textbook...can't be that bloody good' and would have laughed had she not been mortified.

How embarrassing to get something so completely, utterly wrong. Worse than that- she'd judged Smedgely with the exact same prejudice his housemates viewed her. How could the unity they desperately needed be achieved, when even the Head Girl couldn't put aside her bigotry? Shame filled Lily as she contemplated the mistake heavy heartedly. An apology must be given or she'd be feeling guilty all day.

Max was weaving his way back through the workspaces; when he reached their cauldron she took a deep breath and addressed him.

'Max...'

'Yeah?'

'I wanted to say, I'm sorry about what just happened.'

'And what _did_ just happen Lily?' There was a teasing tone in his voice that suggested he knew exactly what she was trying to say. Slytherin were renowned for their cunning.

'I judged you. Unfairly. I thought you were commenting on y'know- my blood status.'

'I don't claim not be a bit of a prick at times, but I'm not that bad. Besides, as a half-blood, it would be dangerously close to the pot calling the cauldron black, don't you think?' he stated, with an ironic grin.

Lily felt something in her stomach flip at the sight of his smile and realised with a shock how close she had gotten to him during their conversation. She could see the faint blond stubble on his chin, his long, dark eyelashes, a tiny scar located above his eyebrow... Shit. Spinning round abruptly she grabbed five Lionfish spines, concentrating on filing them till they were smooth. Max gave a surprised grunt, but he turned away too, beginning to stir the potion, leaving Lily alone with her thoughts.

That little blip of attraction could not occur again. There was far too much going on to develop a stupid crush on someone who was naturally meant to despise her. But how had it escaped her notice that he was so attractive? Appraising him, Lily once again experienced the strange squirming sensation as she took in the short, tousled light brown hair and navy blue eyes that looked utterly focused on the task in front of him. It felt annoyingly like lust- no, no, NO! Frustrated, she tossed the spines aggressively into the liquid bubbling in her cauldron, observing as its hue swiftly changed to a violent shade of magenta. Wait, what?

'Forgive me Evans' a voice murmured in her ear, breath tickling her neck. 'But isn't it supposed to be pale pink?'

'Oh bog off Potter!' she cried, turning to confront the smirking berk. 'It's none of your bloody busin-'

BOOM!

'I knew it that would happen' Potter asserted, wiping his lenses clean of Wiggenweld Potion.

With the fluid running uncomfortably down her neck, Lily could only glare at him.

By the time Slughorn had successfully scoured all surfaces of the exploded potion, commenting on his disappointment in a carrying tone while he did so ('Well Lily, I'd have never expected this from _you._') it was the end of Potions. Lily attempted to vacate the dungeons quickly, vowing to only re-enter them again in heavy disguise. It seemed to only way to avoid the unforeseen levels of humiliation she'd endured today. As she reached the exit, a large hand descended on her shoulder and she looked up to see Max smiling down at her with a set of white, even teeth.

'Didn't quite go as planned huh?'

'You can say that again. I'm so sorry.' Lily apologised.

'Don't be. It was the most entertaining thing I've seen in a while.'

'Glad I can be of service.'

'I look forward to working with you Lily. I have the feeling it will be most... educational.' He winked and Lily's treacherous heart skipped a beat. Was it her imagination, or did his hand linger on her arm longer than it needed to?

'See you around Lily.' With one last glance from Max's intriguing dark blue eyes, he walked away down the corridor.

'What the fuck was that Evans?' James was leaning against the opposite wall, crossed arms displaying his Quidditch muscles. Urgh, this boy was like a Dungbomb, always hanging around. Although his words were angry, his face was smooth like marble, leaving Lily unable to discern his thoughts.

'What was what? And why did you let my potion blow up? You knew it was going to happen!'

Detaching himself from the wall, James came to stand in front of her, towering over Lily's diminutive frame. He ignored her second question.

'You. Simpering like a common whore.'

Outraged, Lily snapped back 'I was not _simpering_ Potter. I was being friendly. You've clearly forgotten what good manners look like.'

James pushed his face closer to hers. 'He's a Slytherin! He doesn't think you're worth the dirt on his shoe! Jesus Lily, have a little self-respect.'

Lily wondered what the hell had been going through Dumbledore's mind when he made James Potter Head Boy. Maybe he'd been high on Amortentia. More importantly, what had she been sniffing when she thought she could ever work with such an arrogant, self-important prig?

'Why do you even care Potter? This is the first time you've shown any such concern for my welfare! Maybe you should take care of yourself first before you run around telling others how to act!'

He gripped her by both arms suddenly and a tingling sensation enveloped her body, her nerve endings seeming to ignite. They stared at one another for one crazy suspended moment, time stilling around them, before the fire in James' eyes dulled and he hurriedly released her.

'Sorry, I s-s-shouldn't have done that' he stammered, running a nervous hand through his unkempt hair. Automatically Lily reached out to prevent the gesture but stopped herself halfway. They both eyed her small outstretched arm, James audibly swallowing.

'I just don't want to see a Gryffindor make a fool of themselves' he said softly.

'I-I've got to go.' Lily's mind was turbulent as she attempted to calmly walk away from the bizarre scene that had just taken place and the boy who seemed intent on bewildering her.

Lily contemplated Potter's actions through her next two lessons but was unable to make sense of what had occurred. At lunch she sat quietly, barely touching the cottage pie that was on offer. Marlene surveyed her anxiously while Esther prattled on about the new males in her Arithmancy class.

'Luke Bowlby is absolutely delicious this year! I swear to Merlin, puberty is so kind sometimes. Lily- why's that boy staring at you?'

Distractedly, Lily turned to where Esther's knife was shakily signalling and her eyes met those of Max Smedgely. He grinned endearingly and waved his wand; a second later his pumpkin juice had enacted a miniature explosion that was plainly supposed to represent the Potions mishap. Lily let out a musical peal of laughter, the butterflies lodging in her stomach taking flight again. Returning to her friends she noticed they wore matching knowing looks.

'Ooo, Snape does not look happy.' Esther cooed in satisfaction. Her dislike of Lily's former friend was as virulent as most of the other Gryffindors. 'Who is that delectable creature Lil? A Slytherin as well- are we tasting the forbidden fruit?'

'You speak such shit Es.' Marley piped up.

'He's no one.' Lily explained quickly. 'Just a Potions Partner.' But sensing the warmth of Max's gaze on her back, she questioned whether she was being strictly truthful.

The rest of the day passed so uneventfully that, by the time Lily left the warmth and laughter of the Gryffindor Common Room to return to her dorm, she wasn't sure if her strange morning had been anything more than a particularly vivid hallucination.

'Bubotuber' she told the ugly portrait absent-mindedly, stepping over the threshold before stopping dead when she saw who was already occupying the room.

'What are you doing here?' she blurted, her tone unintentionally harsh. James looked up from the parchment he was currently scrawling on.

'Well, hello to you too. _How nice to see you James. How was your day James_? Fine actually, thanks for not asking.'

'Sorry.' Thankfully she remained blush free, though annoyed Potter had caught her out on something she had admonished him for earlier.

'I was just finishing a letter to my Mum actually. It required concentration, something close proximity to Sirius does not allow.' He smiled ruefully.

'Crap!' Lily felt like an idiot. How could she have forgotten?

'What's up Evans?'

'I haven't written to my Mum yet, I promised I would as soon I arrived. Shit, she's going to be so worried!' Running into her room, she scrabbled in her suitcase for a quill and some parchment before emerging and taking a seat on the couch opposite James. He watched her with interest as she dipped her nib in the ink and began inscribing the first words onto the page in an elegant script. Lily's long red hair fell over one alabaster cheek and her the tip of her pink tongue peeked through soft lips as she deliberated how best reassure her mother she was fine. A sharp intake of air caused her look up as she reached the mid-point of the letter.

'Yes?'

Potter looked pained; maybe he'd pricked himself with his quill. Klutz. His next question however, took her by surprise.

'Your dad died, didn't he?'

The bluntness of the question took her breath away and the throbbing ache she had suppressed all day returned with a vengeance.

'Y-yes' she croaked feebly. Lily cleared her throat and re-iterated the statement. 'Yes, he did.' Mind racing, she speculated how Potter knew. Of course; Remus.

'It wasn't Moony who told me' James informed her, reading her thoughts. 'It was Marlene.'

Why would Marley tell Potter, a boy she barely knew, something so personal? Lily felt entirely betrayed. Her question was answered a moment later.

'Mine too.'

'Your father died?' Sweet Merlin, these revelations were too fast for her to process properly. She was still reeling from Potter's mention of her bereavement.

'Start of Sixth Year. Heart attack.' James smiled faintly. 'Magic can't cure all ills.'

She understood now; the sudden change he had undergone had, in part, been triggered by his loss. Lily didn't bother to offer her condolences, knowing James would understand that she was doing it out of respect. Empty words meant nothing when applied to such raw grief.

He spoke again.

'It bloody hurts doesn't it?'

Her answer was whispered.

'Every day.'

'They say it lessens with time. I don't believe that. It's always there, a hole in your heart. But you just... learn to live with it.' His handsome feature unexpectedly broke into a grin and with a twinge she noted a dimple in his cheek that she had never observed before. 'Laughing helps.'

Lily suspected this was a James Potter that only the Marauders saw. Fallible, emotional... A far cry from the arrogant trickster the rest of the world knew and loved. It unsettled her to find she liked it. Lily hoped the shy smile she gave conveyed her feelings sufficiently, though she doubted it as she couldn't even decipher what exactly was swirling through her belly. James looked pleased, bending his head back down to his parchment. When he lifted it again, Lily began laughing uncontrollably.

'What is it?'

'You've, you've-' she couldn't breathe. 'You've got ink on your nose!'

James' cheeks glowed; using the sleeve of robe he frantically scrubbed at the offending mark. This only served to spread it further.

Lily was still laughing. 'It's everywhere now, you idiot!'

He wrinkled his face in disgust and returned to his ministrations. The sight was strangely endearing- he looked like a little boy caught playing in the mud.

'Do you want me to do it?' Lily giggled.

James sighed, dropping his arms to his sides, indicating for her to go ahead.

Bending over him, she gathered some robe material and began gently cleaning the black smudges off his face.

'There! All done!'

Lily's breath stilled as she realised that she was uncomfortably near to Potter's face. Their eyes met, swirling hazel versus sparkling emerald and his gaze darkened; it was suddenly intense and hungry. Confusedly, Lily shook her head, pulling herself away from his warmth and shakily standing upright. He hastily leapt up too, the strange expression he wore melting away.

'I, um, have to meet Siriu- Padfoot. ' Stumbling over his words, James swiftly turned and walked briskly to the archway. Upon reaching the exit he faced Lily, jerkily nodding in her direction before ducking through the door and disappearing.

Bloody hell, what was _that?_

It was clear that something was seriously wrong with Potter but Lily was far too tired to bother analysing James' ridiculous behaviour. The boy was a mystery wrapped in an enigma. Entering her room, she quickly divulged herself of clothes and pulled on her pyjamas, sliding between the yellow sheets. Fatigue rapidly overwhelmed her but the still-concious part of her mind registered brief annoyance when the last image she saw before surrendering to sleep was a pair of navy blue eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: I own nothing.**

* * *

'Again, I really am sorry about this Lilypad. However, I did warn you.'

'I don't want to hear one fucking word from you Black.'

'But-' Sirius protested.

'Not. One. Word.' Lily's voice was pure ice as she examined the threadbare cloth in her hand for a section not already stained with toad organs.

She'd only had detention a handful of times in her Hogwarts career; they had all been unpleasant occasions but this one took the biscuit, cake and whatever other foodstuff that could possibly be laced with cyanide and stuffed in Sirius Black's big fat gob.

Not only was she going to be twenty minutes late to her first ever Prefects Meeting (if you weren't counting the one she'd slept through on the train and Lily certainly wasn't) she was also a Head Girl who'd somehow managed to wangle detention with the school's biggest troublemaker. A troublemaker she was fervently blaming for the awful situation she now found herself in. And Potter. Yes, if Potter hadn't acted like he had, Sirius would have never done what _he_ did and Lily would not currently be getting amphibian brain tissue underneath her fingernails.

**EARLIER THAT DAY**

Slouched against the wall outside Transfiguration, Lily eavesdropped on a rather heated argument taking place between Peter and James.

'Look Wormy, I know you've got it.'

'I swear to you James, I haven't seen it for two weeks! Moony borrowed it to grab some strudel from the kitchens; that was the most recent time I saw it.'

'You were the last person I gave it to!' James' frustration bubbled over and he poked Peter in the stomach rather threateningly.

'Oi, watch it! For the final time you maniac, I DON'T HAVE IT.'

Containing her laughter for fear they would discover an unwanted third party to their conversation, Lily was greatly amused by the sight of James Potter's aggravation. Disbelief of Peter's passionate protests was written all over his face; he was clearly convinced his friend had whatever he had lost. It was at this point the human tornado sometimes referred to as Sirius Black breezed into town.

'What's going on here? Looks like a classic case of battered wife' he smirked causing Peter to look indignant.

'I have a penis!'

'Now, now Wormy, you know that's not certified until St Mungos send your test results back.'

'You're a dipshit.'

'That's not my official moniker, but I'll allow it. Anyway, what is actually occurring with you two lovely ladies?'

'Pete's got the thingymajig but he WON'T ADMIT IT.' James accompanied this sentence with a furious glare directed at Peter who stood with a defiant expression.

'Why the hell would I lie? Truly, I don't have your stupid cl-'

'Watch your bloody mouth Wormtail!' hissed Sirius, his hand wrapped over the unfortunate boy's lips.

'Mmmf murgh'

'Besides lads, I can settle this quite easily. I have the item in question. I borrowed it for a little excursion.'

'YOU? You arsehole, I was so worried! I thought Filch had got his filthy little paws on it.'

'Mmmmmf' Peter was still being silenced.

'I needed it Prongs.' Sirius looked shifty and Lily prayed McGonagall would give them three more minutes so she could discover the nature of this mysterious object.

'What for?'

'A private matter.' He spoke lightly, but there was a warning against prying in his tone that even Lily could detect.

'MMMFF!'

'Oh shit, sorry Pete.'

Gasping, Peter was finally released from the stranglehold while James appeared to be experiencing some intense guilt. 'Um, sorry about earlier Wormy. Y'know, accusing you of stealing it and all.'

Peter wore an expression of smug vindication. 'You should trust me sometimes Prongs.'

'I will Pete. And remind me not to listen to a word this git says from now on.' James jerked a thumb towards where Sirius stood airily studying his fingernails.

Lily was prevented from hearing Black's retort by the appearance of McGonagall who looked uncharacteristically flustered. The students soon discovered why as she was followed out of Transfiguration by three subdued Second Years, two of them sporting a concrete limb apiece. The first was burdened with a rock-solid grey hand that they were clearly struggling to hold upright. The second was unfortunately afflicted with a cement leg and, with some difficulty, was dragging it across the flagstones whilst supporting himself on the third, thankfully unaffected, boy's shoulder. A horrible scraping sound occurred when the foot was moved, causing a collective wince amongst the watching Seventh Years.

'And when you get to the Hospital Wing, please tell Madame Pomfrey the exact nature of the three different spells you used or you'll remain in that condition for the foreseeable future.' McGonagall shook her head. 'Foolish boys. Right, you can come in.'

It wasn't until Lily was inside the room that she realised she had no one to sit with. All of a sudden, she felt very small and lonely. Six years at Hogwarts and, pathetically, she could count her friends on one hand. If pushed, Lily would describe herself as 'well-liked'; after all, she got on agreeably enough with the majority of her year, minus some Slytherins and Potter. Lily had best friends, in the form of Esther and Marley. She had acquaintances. But apart from Remus Lupin, there was nobody whose casual company she sought out on a regular basis. Severus' presence had acted as a repellent for many possible companions in the early years- beyond Fifth Year she had no excuse. The defensive walls Lily had constructed to protect herself had failed in every way. Her father's death was devastating, blasting through all emotional shields and now she found herself isolated from her peers in a prison of her own making. Quietly, she took a seat at the back of the room, optimistically thinking that at least she could concentrate without any distractions.

'How are we, my little fleur de lis?' enquired Sirius Black, throwing his books aimlessly onto the desk before carelessly flinging himself into the seat beside her.

'What on earth are you up to now Black? And was that _French_?'

'I noticed you looking a little lonely and thought to myself-'

'That you needed to mind your own business?'

'-Lily looks so forlorn and waifish, I simply must go and cheer her up. So here I am! No need to thank me, your grateful and welcoming attitude says it all. And yes, you did indeed correctly identify the language of love. I am a man of many talents and the precise amount of French needed to seduce susceptible young ladies is one of them.'

Lily struggled to remain stern, but a reluctant grin was spreading slowly across her face.

'Sadly for you Black, I am not a susceptible young lady. Are you sure you didn't have any ulterior motives in sitting here?'

Sirius was now reclining in the chair in a cavalier fashion, resembling a young Adonis at rest. Two Ravenclaw girls shot Lily envious looks before beginning to whisper frantically about this latest addition to the Hogwarts rumour mill.

'Well, there was one other thing...' Lily felt disappointed. For a moment, she'd really believed he was there purely to keep her company.

'... I do so love to annoy Prongsie.' Sirius finished.

'How does this-' Lily gestured to their seating arrangement. '-annoy James?'

'My dear, oblivious Lily- wait a minute! Did you just call him James?'

Balls. Time to salvage the situation.

'As a mature adult Sirius, I think I can refer to him by his given name. I'm not that petty.' Lily declared, not meaning a word of it. Sirius looked as convinced as she sounded.

'Right...' he said, raising an eyebrow. 'Anyway, as I was saying-'

'Mr Black, we would rather _not_ know what you were saying, thank you.' Professor McGonagall interjected acerbically. 'Class, If we can turn to page 17 in your books; Miss Turner, would be so kind as to oblige us?'

Sarah Turner, a benign Hufflepuff, began reading in a low, monotonous tone causing Sirius to audibly sigh in disgust. It dawned on Lily that Sirius Black was rather similar to her initial impressions of Potter- he simply could not tolerate individuals less brilliant than him. Unlike James however, whose confidence she suspected came singularly from doting parents, Sirius' particular brand of arrogance had an unnerving cruelty at its core. He shared certain qualities with Snape and, although she would never dream of speaking the thought aloud, she could see how easily the sense of superiority translated to the same values Death Eaters prized.

'... and so, the transfigured appendage automatically returns to its original form.' finished Sarah triumphantly.

'Thank you Miss Turner. Now, taking those principles and applying them is far more difficult than it sounds. We will **not** be experimenting with human transfiguration today; that shall be tackled later in the year when you have built up your knowledge. For now we will be concentrating on partially transfiguring animals. Please come up to the front and collect one mouse between a pair.'

Sirius leapt up. 'I'll collect our little furry friend shall? No, I don't mean Moony.' Rather shocked, Lily laughed- she hadn't realised Remus had informed the Marauders that she knew about his condition. Sirius gracefully strolled forward, briefly pausing at the desk where James and Peter were sitting. With an almost imperceptible movement, Lily saw him drop a folded piece of parchment in front of James who snatched it up eagerly. After quickly scanning the paper, James stood up and joined Sirius at the mouse table. To anyone not paying attention it seemed they were merely fussing over which rodent to select; to Lily it was obvious they were having an intense whispered conversation. Something his friend said caused James' head to snap to Lily's position and their eyes met for a heated second. Dismissively, James turned back to Sirius who motioned towards Peter, appearing perturbed. Then, as if programmed, they simultaneously grabbed a mouse, spun on their heels and returned to their respective places. Equally amazed and irritated by their subterfuge Lily gave Sirius a searching glance as he returned proudly proffering a mouse.

Tapping her wand against the mouse's plump torso she wondered whether to broach the subject. It would be extremely hypocritical to interfere, given how much she valued her own privacy. Then again... oh screw it.

'What was that?'

'What was what?'

'That. The little tete-a-tete with Potter.'

'Look who's employing the French now! Trying to beguile an innocent young man Evans?' Sirius batted his eyelashes but Lily wasn't fooled.

'Don't try to distract me Black. I saw you! You passed Potter a note and then you said something about me.'

'Whatever would make you think that Evans? Enormously self-centred of you.' His tone was suddenly cold and businesslike.

'He- he looked at me.'

'If you're basing these accusations on James staring at you I'm afraid the Wizengamot may throw out the case on circumstantial evidence.'

'Tell me what you said.'

'I'm sorry Evans, but regrettably I don't take orders. From **anyone**. Now, I like you so I'll give you one last chance to drop the subject. Otherwise I can promise that you will regret it.' Sirius sounded legitimately remorseful for the threat he issued.

'I want to know.' Lily stubbornly affirmed.

'Oh Evans... you brought this upon yourself.'

Grabbing her wand, he directed it at their quivering mouse and muttered 'Gemino maximus'. Before Lily's flabbergasted eyes the squeaking creature multiplied until they were surrounded by hundreds of mice who proceeded to flee in fruitless attempts to find enclosed spaces. The classroom filled with screams as the rodents ran over outstretched limbs, into unfastened bags and across open workspaces.

'I HATE MICE!' shrieked Claudia Mitzenholler as one exceptionally bold animal attempted to scale her stocking-clad calf.

'Everybody be quiet NOW!' Professor McGonagall's tone could have frozen lava. The class halted in their attempts to escape the infestation and swivelled to face their furious teacher. Silently, she performed a complicated looping motion with her wand and the mice instantly vanished from their various locations.

McGonagall looked so incensed that Lily cowered under her glower. It seemed reasonable to expect fire to shoot from her nostrils any moment.

'Would anyone like to volunteer a name? Rest assured, when I find out who did this, the punishment will be severe indeed.' Predictably, no one moved an inch.

'Fine. We'll do this the hard way. Please form a line in front of my desk so I can examine your wands.'

Lily's stomach dropped away completely as she comprehended the full extent of Sirius' genius. McGonagall would immediately discover it was Lily's wand that cast the fatal charm as soon as she used 'Prior Incantato'. The strategic part of Lily's brain was awed by the watertight plan Black had constructed on the fly. The rest of her was not half so impressed. She knew there was no question of dobbing him in; better to be in trouble with the teachers than seen as a grass by her classmates. There was only one thing for it.

'It was me Professor.'

McGonagall was visibly taken aback by Lily's confession. Her brief expression of surprise was quickly replaced by one of extreme disappointment and anger.

'Well, this is most unexpected Miss Evans. Detention, tonight, 7:30. You will be cleaning cauldrons in Dungeon 3.' Her eyes fell on Lily's seatmate. 'Were you involved with this Mr Black?'

Sirius adopted a guileless look but it didn't convince his teacher. 'Good try Mr Black, but you can join Miss Evans in detention. For those of you who managed to successfully transfigure part of your animal before the disruption, well done. We will continue with this next lesson; class dismissed.'

Absolutely fuming, Lily gathered her things and stormed out of the classroom. A tall figure blocked her way and she smacked heavily into James Potter, possibly the last person she wanted to see right now- with the exception of Sirius Black.

'I saw what Padfoot did- it wasn't fair.' he said evenly.

Lily was ready to pull every strand of his stupid messy hair out of his stupid handsome head.

'Damn right it wasn't fucking fair James! And it's entirely your fault! If YOU hadn't been talking about me-'

If he noticed her use of his first name, he showed no sign of it. Instead, he gaped: 'You saw that?'

'Yes I saw that! I have eyes! And if you hadn't been bitching about me, this would have never happened. I hope you know what you're doing at the Prefects Meeting tonight because, thanks to your idiotic friend, I WON'T BE THERE!'

James wore a worried look. 'Sirius didn't tell you what we were saying did he?'

'No, he refused and then he did THAT!' Lily gesticulated wildly at the room they had just vacated.

James exhaled forcefully, obviously relieved. Lily stared at him in incredulity.

'That's all you care about? You're just glad I didn't find out what you were saying? Well POTTER, you shove it right up your arse! Maybe then your head will have some company!' She pivoted angrily and began to march away down the corridor.

'You should learn not to interfere in other people's business!' James called after her.

Oh, that was IT.

Stalking back to where he stood, dark red hair flying behind her and emerald eyes on fire, Lily stopped before the loathsome boy.

Her voice was dangerously soft. 'What did you say?'

He faltered, but repeated it. 'I said: you should learn not to interfere in other people's business.'

'Right. I see.'

With a swift movement Lily brought her knee up and drove it into James' crotch. Immediately he fell to the floor, groaning in pain.

'Merlin... Lily.'

Bending down, Lily ran one slender finger down his cheek, letting it linger on his mouth.

Breathing into his ear, she delivered her parting words in a husky tone. 'You should learn to leave me the fuck alone.'

Yes, that felt much better.

And that was how she found herself in detention with Sirius bloody Black. Who was currently intent on making conversation.

''Prongs told me you kneed him in the balls.'

'Yes.'

'I thought it was hilarious.'

'Yes.'

'You should watch out though, if you want kids. Probably best to protect his goods.'

'Yes. No, wait! Why do you insist on making gags based on mine and Potter's non-existent relationship? If you hadn't discerned already, James isn't that fond of me- and vice versa.'

'Oh, James likes you just fine Lily dearest.'

'Then why is he constantly: hostile, rude, belligerent and any other synonym I can use to describe his perpetually bad attitude towards me?'

Sirius paused thoughtfully. 'You have a particular... effect on our poor tragic Prongs. You provoke him in ways others can only dream of.'

'Well Slughorn does describe me as "extraordinarily talented." Lily muttered sarcastically.

Chuckling appreciatively Sirius eyed her with speculation. 'I'm going to give you some advice Lily.'

'Lucky me.'

'If you want James to change his behaviour towards you, you'll have to alter yours first. His is merely a response to what he perceives as hatred. So he acts accordingly.'

Well this was news. Had she really been such a heinous bitch? Suddenly Lily was immensely ashamed of her conduct towards James. No wonder he had been so hot and cold- he was just mirroring how she had behaved with him!

'Bloody hell.'

Sirius nodded approvingly.

'Yes Lily. Bloody hell indeed.'

Catching sight of the clock on the wall Lily was hit by a second realisation. 'Shit, I've got to go! And the room isn't even halfway near to being clean.'

Sirius shrugged breezily. 'Don't worry about that Lilykins.' He reached inside his robes and smoothly extracted a wand.

'Evanesco!'

The caked layers of toad vanished instantaneously; Sirius pocketed the wand with a self-satisfied air.

Lily gawked. 'But McGonagall took our wands!'

'Please Lily; I borrowed Wormy's before heading down. You're speaking to a seasoned veteran here.'

Admiration rapidly gave way to annoyance. 'You mean to say I suffered an hour of this before you decided to put me out of my misery? Why didn't you do that at the start?'

'But Lily,' Sirius feigned an injured air. 'Then you would have missed our enlightening little chat.'

'You're a wankstain Black.'

'I have been known to leave them around.' He grinned rakishly.

Lily didn't bother with a reply- she simply shook her head and left him to it. She could still hear his booming laughter halfway down the corridor.

Patting the pocket holding her reclaimed wand, Lily hurried to her dorm, conscious she was now half an hour late. Hopefully Potter was holding the fort but she wasn't too optimistic. He may have the necessary qualities for good leadership, but they had only been glimpsed when organising mass celebrations for a Quidditch win or picking on Snape. Uncertainly entering the room she was a little stunned when none of the seated Prefects even looked up at her arrival- they were all intently focused on what James was saying.

'It's vital that we are aware of the dangers now facing us. You've been put in a position of power for a reason- Dumbledore trusts you. We're not here just to enforce rules: we can guide students, offer them comfort and protect them. We are the eyes and ears now and it is more important than ever to make it your business to know what's happening in Hogwarts. As I was saying earlier to Derek, (he gestured at a blond-haired Hufflepuff sat on his right) you are all outstandingly talented individuals. Please use these skills to help defend Hogwarts from those who wish to destroy it.' Finishing the impromptu speech, he blushed slightly on becoming aware of the impressed faces gazing up at him in respect. The red staining his cheeks spread when Lily slowly clapped and made her way elegantly to the table, sliding into the sole vacant seat by a Fifth Year Ravenclaw whose name she thought was Holly.

'It seems our Head Girl has finally deigned to join us.' James spoke light-heartedly but there was wariness in his voice; the look in his hazel eyes suggested he was remembering their earlier encounter.

'After that speech, it doesn't even seem like my presence is required. Very stirring.'

'Oh come on now, I'll always need you.'

His use of the singular personal pronoun was not overlooked by Lily; there was a burning in her chest that confused her beyond belief. A Prefect coughed and the moment passed.

'Right, have we done patrolling schedules yet?' she inquired, desperate to regain some control over her perfidious emotions.

James shook his head and handed her a sheaf of pages. 'Feel free.'

The Prefects filed out of the room, a few girls throwing adoring glances at James before they left. Once the last person (Roger Twigg, Sixth Year Gryffindor) had exited, Lily sagged in her chair, yawning loudly. James cradled his head in his big hands and sighed.

'That was the most stressful thing I've done since I told Mum it was me who broke her favourite china.'

Lily snorted. 'You handled it excellently.'

James seemed eager to brush off the compliment, proclaiming 'It was nothing.'

'No really.' Lily forced herself to look James straight in his eyes, observing the flecks of green and dark brown that were mixed with the hazel. They really were quite extraordinary. 'I only heard part of your speech and it was... remarkable.'

'You're not going to kick me in the nuts again are you?'

There it was. Oops.

Squirming, Lily wrung her hands hoping they would communicate her apology for her. James looked nonplussed- no such luck then.

'I spoke to Sirius.'

Suddenly the Head Boy was extremely alert, apprehension fixed on his face.

'He told me I should stop being a bitch.' James started to object but Lily held up a slim hand and he quieted. 'He was right. I've been awful to you and I'm so sorry. You'd changed but I didn't see it- I didn't _want_ to see it. So I guess I'm going down the appallingly clichéd route of asking you if we can be... friends?'

He seemed to ponder the statement a moment before breaking into a glorious grin that revealed his chiselled cheekbones and enhanced his natural attractiveness. 'I guess I can put up with your miserable shrew-like ways Evans.'

'Just as well really, I'm not going anywhere.'

Lily had said it jovially, but James was appraising her with something akin to protectiveness blazing in his eyes.

'Don't make promises you can't keep Lily. It's a dangerous world.'

The words sobered her; she recalled the numerous tragedies she had witnessed or experienced thus far in her short life, those caused by war and others that were just heartbreaking catastrophes.

Seconds later however, the solemn exchange was completely wrecked by a loud rumbling emitting from Lily's stomach. James gawped at her belly and Lily cursed herself for forgetting to grab dinner before she went to detention.

'Merlin Lily, are you hiding a small bear in there?'

'Yes, his name's Paddington. He likes marmalade sandwiches.'

Too late, she remembered that he wouldn't catch the Muggle reference- sure enough, he looked perplexed.

'Ok... anyway, let's go get you fed.'

'If you're trying to take me on a magical mystery tour to the kitchens, I found them in Third Year with Esther. Andrew Pomelby showed them her in exchange for a kiss.'

James raised his eyebrows and Lily reddened, realising how her words could be construed. Mercifully, he ignored the accidental insinuation and remarked: 'You are constantly surprising, aren't you Evans? Alright, so there's no fantastical revelation involved anymore but, from the sound of it, you still require food. We're the Head Students- what better way to celebrate than breaking curfew?'

Five minutes later, Lily found herself trotting behind James, trying and failing to keep up with his long strides.

'Oof!' James had suddenly halted in the middle of the corridor but Lily had not. Consequently, James' back had provided an unwelcome stopping point. Peeling herself off his robes she stepped away, straightening her clothes.

James didn't look up from the parchment he was intently studying. A bit annoyed at the lack of reaction (he must have felt it) Lily peered over his arm at the paper James was so focused on. It took a minute to register the significance of the various squiggles and symbols marking the document but once it sunk in Lily gaped amazedly.

'It's a map!'

'Indeed.' James chuckled.

'Did you make this?'

'Yes.'

Lily could see the document outlined the entire castle and the figures in it, most of them currently situated in dormitories. A small dot labelled 'Albus Dumbledore' was pacing up and down in a space pinpointed as the 'Headmaster's Study'. The whole thing was breathtakingly brilliant- this map encapsulated what made the Marauders so revered amongst the student body.

'We have to go.' James informed her, pointing at a dot named 'Argus Filch' moving swiftly towards their current location.

'New caretaker' he explained in response to Lily's puzzled expression. 'Now, come on!' Grabbing Lily by the hand, he proceeded to drag her hurriedly to the end of the corridor before making a sharp right and pushing her through an open door.

'But this is just an empty classroom?'

James wasn't listening- he seemed to be gently tapping his wand against four bricks situated by a bookcase. Lily suddenly heard a voice from outside.

'Now, where did they go my pretty?' She guessed it was Filch; his words were getting louder as he approached. 'Students out of bed...we'll find 'em.'

'Hurry the hell up James!' Lily hissed urgently. There was no way she was getting detention twice in one bloody day.

'Got it!' he announced jubilantly, signalling to a small space that had appeared in the previously intact wall. 'Get in!'

Lily wasted no time, scrambling into the hole and squeezing herself as far in as possible so James could follow. Once inside he muttered an incantation under his breath and they were thrown into darkness as the wall resealed.

'Remind me to never listen to your plans ever again.' Lily whispered fiercely.

'Hey!' He too spoke in hushed tones. 'This is just an occasional hazard of the job. You're a much better hiding partner than Sirius anyway. Less handsy.'

She giggled nervously, conscious of their extremely close proximity. She could feel the heat radiating off him: any nearer and Lily would be able to reach out and stroke his face, his cheekbones, his lips...

Wow, it had clearly been too long since she was last intimate with a man. Lily struggled to remember the most recent occasion when a boy had kissed her, caressed her, wrapped his hands in her waterfall of fiery hair and hummed sweet nothings in her waiting ear. Everything had seemed so pointless after her dad died; her desires had been firmly locked down and the key thrown away. Now it seemed they had broken free and were so starved of human contact they were forcing her to fantasise about James Potter. Yes, ok, he was a beautiful specimen. That had been firmly established by general consensus. But he was still Potter; police tape should be wrapped around him reminding her not to touch.

As if aware of her thoughts she felt him shift slightly and their legs brushed each other, the contact sending snaking tendrils of lust through Lily's veins. If asked a year ago, she would have probably said there was nothing worse than being trapped in a confined space with James Potter. Now she knew better. There was a far more terrible prospect and that was being trapped in a confined space with James Potter and wanting him.

'Lumos.' James had cast the spell and unwittingly he stared into her emerald orbs. Lily was terrified he could sense her raging hormones- could there be a worse fate than James Potter being aware you were prepared to jump his bones?

'Lily...' he breathed, ducking to her level.

BANG!

They were startled out of whatever the hell _this _was by a noise that reverberated around the classroom outside their hiding place. Filch was clattering around, cooing softly to someone. 'Where are these nasty little students eh? Where did you see them my pretty?'

'He's talking to his cat. Most evil creature I've ever met.' James muttered to Lily. Part of her was pleased the almost-something that had occurred seconds before was being ignored- another section screamed affront at being so easily tossed aside.

Outside, Filch's creepy musings subsided into faint grumbling as he left the room, clearly upset at being unable to find any miscreants he could punish.

Without speaking, James knocked his wand on the wall three times and the panel they were ensconced behind slid open, allowing the pair to tumble into the empty classroom.

They looked at each other awkwardly for a moment, the reality of their circumstances returning to sombre them.

'Did you still want to go to the kitchens?' James enquired.

'No, I'll just get Sebby to bring me something. I don't know why I didn't think of that before actually, it's a far more sensible plan.' Disappointment flickered across Potter's face before an arrogant smirk superseded it.

'I do find girls tend to lose their head around me an alarming amount of the time.'

'How charming.' Lily remarked drily making a mental note to hold onto her head very tightly when interacting with James. 'When you've finished playing Casanova, maybe you could take us back to the dorm?'

'Aye aye Cap'n.' He saluted ostentatiously and Lily couldn't help but smile.

'...Madame Pomfrey said she'd never seen anything like it and she'd worked in St Mungos for 20 years! I almost died laughing, especially when he had to pull down his trousers... the look on her face was just-' James fell into fits of laughter again. They were about three corridors away from the Heads dorm and he was recounting the tale of when Sirius had attempted to lengthen a very vital appendage. Lily didn't think she'd ever be able to look Black in the eye again, especially after hearing how it had turned a foul sludge colour before Madame Pomfrey had managed to right things in his trousers. His shoulders still shaking with laughter, James glanced down at the map. Whatever he saw caused him to abruptly cease his chuckles and mutter: 'What the fuck...?'

'What is it? James?'

'Avery and Mulciber. They just headed outside to the Whomping Willow. How the hell do they know about that? ...Of course.' He smacked his palm to his head in realisation. 'Snape.'

Lily was completely baffled as to what was going on. James seemed to have gone totally mad, mumbling about the Whomping Willow and Slytherins. Everyone knew about that bastard tree, it was pretty hard to miss. And Snape? He and James shared a powerful loathing but she thought this year they had adopted a mutual policy of pretending the other didn't exist.

Apparently not.

'Look Lily, I have to go.' James somehow managed to incorporate apology, determination and unease in one meaningful look but Lily had no interest in letting him off easily.

'Go? Where the fuck do you have to go at 10:30 PM on a Thursday night? If this involves the Slytherins in any way, shape or form, I swear to Merlin that I will do far worse damage to your crotch than a simple kick!'

'Lily...' That was second the time he'd uttered her name tonight, but this time his voice was full of pleading and she sighed resignedly. 'Please Lily, just... trust me?'

'Fine, James.' Lily's tone conceded defeat. 'But if I hear one thing about you purposefully targeting Slytherins, for no other reason than boredom, I will maim you. Understand?'

'Oh Lily, I can think of nothing I'd like more.' James winked and wheeled around, striding away down the corridor in the direction they had just come from.

Pondering her ridiculously eventful day, Lily traipsed back to the dorm alone and was about to step inside when she noticed an envelope inscribed with her name lying on the floor. After checking to see if the sender was still nearby, she carefully slid the thick parchment out and began to read the short message the paper displayed.

_Lily, _

_I came by earlier, but you weren't here. I was wondering if you'd be willing to meet me tomorrow; the essay Slughorn set is causing my brain to melt. I'll be in the library at 10:30 am if you're ok to help me out.  
I hope Potter doesn't eat this message before you read it. _

_Max_

Oh bollocks. The sensible thing would be not to go. He would be annoyed of course and there would be a frosty reception in Potions. But he would get over it and her pointless crush would fade. She would never have to feel his stubble against her cheek, his hands roaming her skin, the groan he would make when she touched him. Yes, not attending was the only prudent course of action.

Of course she was going.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note: I own nothing.**

* * *

It had been five minutes now. Five excruciatingly long minutes of dithering outside the library while an internal battle raged inside her.

**He's not going to be there.**

_Don't be stupid. _

**It's a trick, he's a Slytherin. You're a fool Lily.**

_Shut up brain. I'm just going to help out a classmate._

**Is that what they call it these days?**

_Go away. _

**What about James?**

The sheer treachery of her thoughts shook Lily out of her mental dispute. James Potter had no business being in her head at all. And how obnoxiously rude of him to invade her mind at this crucial moment. Urgh, that was such a _Potter_ thing to do!

She recalled his words '_He doesn't think you're worth the dirt on his shoe_.'  
Ouch. But James had no reason to believe otherwise; Slytherin's reputation was one of condescension, snobbery and, at its worst, naked discrimination. Yet her dealings with Max so far (though admittedly brief) hadn't exposed this particular trait. He seemed…well… _nice._

Enough lingering. Other students were beginning to shoot her strange looks as they hurried by and Lily had no desire to endure a fresh set of rumours about the Head Girl going mad outside the library. Decisively, she placed her small hand on the doorknob and turned it, stepping lightly through the entrance into the dim lighting that characterised the home of Hogwarts' tomes. The much-envied green eyes scanned tables and shelves for her Potions partner; no, that wasn't him- wait, was that Sirius? With _Nott? _What on earth was he doing? Nott was part of Mulciber's group.  
No, **Snape's** group now she thought. To Lily's surprise, the stab of pain that usually accompanied her erstwhile friend's name was absent. It didn't feel like a victory though. More a horrible signifier of loss. And what the bloody hell was Sirius up to with Nott?

'Lily!'

An energetic whisper broke her concentration. Someone was trying to gain her attention without (wisely) attracting Madame Peacock's, the notoriously hostile librarian.

She let her gaze travel to the source of the call and a delicious warmth started in her groin, stealing through her veins like alcohol. Come to think of it, she _did_ feel slightly drunk all of a sudden.

_Get a hold of yourself Lily. _

Although her limbs felt less sturdy than usual, she made her way over to where Max was sitting, a broad grin lighting up his face, enhancing his natural attractiveness tenfold.

'I thought you weren't going to come.' he blurted and from his subsequent frown Lily could tell that he hadn't meant to say this, that his relief at seeing her had overpowered his attempt to play it cool and that- best of all- he was nervous.

He liked her.

'Would kind of Head Girl would I be if I didn't even help my beloved Potions partner?'

Max chuckled, allowing his dark-blue eyes to meet hers briefly before looking down at his textbook again. Lily felt the glance like a physical shock; she could feel long-rusted mechanisms in her body beginning to creak slowly back into action as longing ran through her. Finally the sparks of desire she had experienced around Max previously and, yuk, Potter ignited into a full blown flame.  
She felt alive.  
And oh sweet Merlin, slightly sweaty. Surreptitiously she wiped her hands on her skirt and spoke, in an attempt to disguise her traitorous body's reaction.

'So, what bit of the essay is causing your brain meltdown?'

'I just don't understand how to talk about the reaction between aconite root and fluxweed.'

'Right.' said Lily, pulling out her quills.

And they were off.

* * *

Ninety minutes later Lily clapped a hand over her mouth in order to muffle the intense giggling fit provoked by watching Max perform a perfectimpression of Professor Slughorn sniffing out crystalized pineapple. Stomach aching, her abdomen contracted once more as the boy opposite her pretended to twirl a moustache before reclining in his chair and smiling widely at her uncontrollable sniggering.

'Oh….oh….When you…' Lily was unable to spit out a sentence before lapsing into overwhelming laughter once more.

Max raised one eyebrow good-humouredly before rocking back on his chair and waiting for her hysteria to subside.

Eventually she regained control. 'That was _brilliant.'_ Lily breathed, inwardly cursing herself for sounding so stupidly adoring.

A pleased expression adorned Max's handsome face and he ran one hand through his rumpled brown hair, a gesture that sent a dart of recognition flying through Lily's mind. She wished James Potter would evacuate the little corner of her skull that he had set up camp in. He certainly didn't seem to be paying any rent to stay there.

Lily shook her head to rid herself of errant Potter-related brain farts and smiled at Max again. There was an electric pause as their eyes locked and they both attempted to speak at the same time, the words tumbling out.

'I-'

'Would-'

It was almost surreal, Lily thought as she signalled for Max to continue. Despite everything: her father's death, the ever increasing threat of war, her complete lack of a plan for post-Hogwarts… she could still experience these wonderful, awkward, _human_ moments like they were all that mattered. And right now, they were the only thing that did.

Max was looking at her with a confident smile, but she thought she could detect a hint of worry glinting in the depths of those lovely navy eyes.  
Merlin, she was a sap.

'I was going to say, would you like to do something?'

Lily's grin widened. 'Aren't we doing something now?'

'Sidestepped magnificently. But you know what I mean. A date. Go somewhere, though, let's face it, it'll probably be Hogsmeade.'

A thrill ran through her; it was all so _easy_. Just sitting here, talking to him seemed like the simplest thing in the world. She recalled previous romances but none had been as immediately effortless as what was happening now.

'Yes. That would be lovely.' Lily meant it completely.

'There's a Hogsmeade trip on Saturday, it's a bit short notice but-' Max broke off as he took in her smirk. 'Which you already know, because you organised it. Merlin, I'm an idiot.'

'Just a bit.' Lily's emerald orbs widened as she realised how her words had sounded. 'I didn't mean you were a bit of an idiot! I meant I organised it a bit and oh Merlin…' her voice tailed off. Max was laughing.

'You are adorable.'

He was leaning closer to her now, his face next to Lily's and her heart lurched as she breathed in his scent, woody and musky, confusing her senses; it felt like his cologne was winding its way into her head, wrapping itself around her brain and she couldn't _think-_

'See you Saturday Lily.' he said and then his lips were bestowing a whisper of a kiss at the side of her mouth and the butterflies in her stomach transfigured into hordes of elephants that thundered around her belly so loudly she was worried everyone could hear them.

'B-bye.' Lily managed to stammer and then Max was gone, textbooks in hand, whistling so loudly that Madame Peacock emerged furiously from the Restricted Section to hiss 'SHH' at him.

* * *

'That is so hot.' Esther said, eyes wide as Lily recounted the tale of her study session at lunch.

'I don't know what to do Es. I'm ridiculously attracted to this guy.' Lily attempted to twirl a length of spaghetti onto her fork but it refused to stay. They always did this so easily on television. She'd have to use a sneak attack i.e. stuff it in all her mouth at once.

Marlene chose this moment to plonk herself heavily next to Lily, moaning about Peeves and a vanishing cabinet.

'Marley, guess what? Lily has a date with that boy she claimed was "just a Potions Partner". He makes her feel all _fuzzy._' Esther laughed and Lily instantly regretted her mouthful of pasta that prevented a snappy comeback.

'Mmmphff'

'Eloquent as always Lils.' Marley said wryly. 'When you've finished stuffing your gob, perhaps you'd like to tell me just how fuzzy this guy makes you.'

'…I don't know, I just _want_ him.' Lily sighed, concluding her story minutes later. 'He's really nice and funny but most of all there's this physical pull between us and it's driving me crazy already.'

'Sounds like you need to laid Lils.'

'If only it was that easy Es.' Marlene countered. 'I should know. It's been so long since I was even near a guy. What do boys look like?' She feigned blindness and pretended to grope an imaginary crotch, prompting giggles from Lily and Esther.

'Besides-' she opened her eyes. 'Often they talk the talk but their walk is decidedly shambolic.'

'Oh Merlin yes!' Esther added. 'When they make themselves out to be these amazing love wizards but then…'

'They've got the knowledge of a first year!' Lily finished with a peal of laughter.

Marley looked scornful as she spoke. 'The worst is the _hands._ Don't just stick your fingers up there if you have no idea what you're doing. Ask, you moron. It feels like being skewered.'

'No, no the tongue! When they swirl it around like they're stirring a potion. And not just when they're kissing you.' Esther shuddered in revulsion.

'Duration for me!' Lily confessed. She deepened her voice, miming groaning. 'Grunt, grunt… honey, I'm done.' She returned to her normal tone. 'No thank you.'

The trio dissolved into hysterical glee.

'Oh Merlin, I needed that.' Marlene choked out when their giggles had faded away.

'Bad morning Marley?'

"Bad" doesn't even cover it. Firstly I was late to Herbology because I lost my bloody tie. Then after arriving in all my perspiring glory, I find that my moronic partner, David Jones, has gone and got dragon pox so I have to work with Rodney Stewart instead. Rodney consistently smells like centaur dung. I don't think that boy even bathes! I had to spend my free period doing an essay I'd forgotten for Arithmancy (at this point Esther suddenly looked panicked) and on my way to lunch Peter Pettigrew scurries up to me and informs that Quidditch practice is cancelled because Potter is apparently "sick". As if! James hasn't been sick a day in his life.'

If Lily had been a dog, she knew her ears would have pricked up. 'Potter's ill?'

Marlene looked impatient. 'No Lily, he's not sick! He's faking. He's clearly been up with some girl or something and is too tired to make practice. It is a bit strange though, he'd never usually miss Quidditch.'

'Did Peter say anything else?'

'No, he just muttered what James had so obviously drilled into him, then pissed off. Why do you care anyway?' Suddenly both Marlene and Esther were looking at her searchingly. Lily felt she'd have to play this very carefully. Wait- why did she need to play it at all? This was ridiculous, she was just curious.

'We've got Head duties and I don't want him passing on an illness.' And yet she'd still taken the time to lie. Why? The truth would have been just as valid. She was angry- she felt somehow like Potter had manipulated her although she knew he had done nothing. Still, her friends had accepted the excuse and looked placated.

'I wonder who Potter's current woman of the month is?' Esther pondered, pulling on the ends of her long hair.

'We only just got back Es! Even James doesn't work that fast. Although I've heard he's been sniffing around Mary Roberts.'

Lily felt a dark sensation grip her insides at Marlene's words. She didn't want to even consider what that meant.

'I've urm… got to go. Charms. (Damnit, lessons weren't for another twenty minutes.) Homework. I mean Charms homework.' Clumsily she extracted herself from the bench and practically sprinted from the Great Hall before the bewildered looks on the faces of her friends could be expressed in indignant speech.

Once Lily was a safe distance from the hall she paused, wondering what the hell she was supposed to do for twenty minutes. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted a dishwater blonde head.

'Hey! Peter!'

Peter looked slightly gobsmacked at being so familiarly hailed by someone who routinely made her dislike of the Marauders well known. Nevertheless, he politely smiled at her.

'Hi Lily, what's up?'

'I was just wondering… is James really sick?'

Peter looked guarded suddenly. 'Yes.' he said quickly. Too quickly. Aha!

'This wouldn't have anything to do with the Slytherins and their activities at the Willow would it?'

The boy's face contorted into an expression of pure hatred for an instant so fleeting Lily almost thought she had imagined it. She took an involuntary step backwards for she was honestly unsure who the emotion was directed at: the Slytherins- or herself?

Peter's features returned to something resembling his normal placidity, but there was still the remnants of anger burning in his eyes. 'Who told you?'

'No one.' Lily stood her ground. 'I was with James yesterday and he ran off.'

'Look Lily, I can't talk about it. But he's fine. Just a little sore.'

'He's hurt?'

'Not any more. He thought it would be better not to risk Quidditch though.'

'What happened?'

'Please Lily, I can't tell you.' Peter's weasely features looked genuinely rueful.

'I'm not letting this go Pete.'

'I'm not asking you to. Just lay off for now, ok?'

'Fine.' She'd obtained some information at least. Something violent had taken place. James had been hurt, badly. Oh, why did she have to start caring about that oaf? This friendship was already costing her.

'I'm gonna go Lily… I've got class.' With one last furtive glance, Peter scuttled away- no, how had Marlene described it? Scurried. It was a fitting verb for Peter, the boy who perpetually seemed to be scampering away, confining himself to the background. For the first time, she wondered what made Peter tick. What his hopes and dreams were. His family. Did he have girlfriends? Did he even _like _girls? Abruptly, Lily become conscious that she knew nothing about Peter Pettigrew.

It scared her that she had grown up with the boy and her knowledge of him was so shallow. In fact, she realised, Peter made her uneasy. There was something… slippery about him. You couldn't pin him down. He wasn't as open as James, as trustworthy as Remus or as loyal as Sirius. He was just… there. Watching. Waiting. Lily resolved to hold her secrets far more closely next time she was around Peter.

With the exchange still echoing around in her head, she set off for Charms.

* * *

'That was awful.' Remus groaned, trudging alongside Lily.

'I don't even want to talk about it; I just want to fall into bed and hope their stupid little wails don't follow me into the land of nod.' Lily replied.

The pair were returning from the last lesson of the day, Herbology, in which they had been pruning Screechsnaps. As their name suggested, they tended to voice any complaints loudly and persistently. It turned out that being attacked with knives led to vociferous protests from the small shrubs. Their tinny howls were still ringing in Lily's ears.

'Peter said you were asking about James.'

'Oh did he? (She was going to kill that little shit.) Yeah, I was a bit worried that he might be ill and spread it around during the course of his Head Duties.'

Remus' small smile suggested he didn't believe a word of it.

'Anyway, we're friends now.' Lily continued hurriedly. Sweet Merlin, it was like she was vomiting words. It would be quite nice if she could stop. Now.

'So it was perfectly within my rights to ask.' Oh look, she'd just kept right on going. Brill.

'You're right.' Damn Remus and his knowing looks.

'Urgh, you are insufferable Remus Lupin!' Lily stomped off and heard Remus break into laughter behind her.

Upon finally reaching the Head Dorms, Lily banged her way angrily inside, throwing herself down on the sofa, her mind churning. Bloody, _bloody_ Potter, stupid Remus, everyone at Hogwarts was pathetic and annoying and- was that the shower?

Her auburn head tilted and the sound of running water became obvious. Someone was in the bathroom. And as it wasn't Lily, reason suggested it must be…

'Potter!'

The stupid git was here.  
In the shower.  
Naked.  
Scratch that last one. But Lily was spitting. First James was too ill to make Quidditch practice and now he was gallivanting round their dorm, with the gall to _shower_? Words would be had.

She waited, fuming, for Potter to emerge from behind the plain door. When he did, dressed in simple jeans and a t-shirt, one hand using a red towel to rub his wet hair, she stood up.

His face dropped, clearly taking in her icy expression. A dull purple bruise marked his left cheekbone and Lily registered another one situated on his defined stomach before he brought his hand down and his shirt covered it.

'Lily?' James' tone was questioning and he sounded slightly worried, like a child. Unexpectedly Lily was hit by an overpowering wave of fatigue. Why was she behaving like this? James hadn't done anything wrong. What he did was completely his own business, not hers. She didn't need to know and suddenly, she wasn't sure she wanted to.

'Nothing.' Lily turned away, her long red hair swirling behind her, shielding her face.

She sensed him draw near to her, and felt the movement of his arm in the air. She guessed he was reaching out to her and was proved right when his hand gently touched her shoulder.

'I'm sorry.'

'For what?'

'I actually don't know, but I figured an apology is always a good insurance policy with Lily Evans.'

She spun round and her eyes met his; without warning they both collapsed into uncontainable laughter.

'Merlin….' James was clutching the sofa for support, one arm braced as he attempted to remain upright.

Slowly they sobered and straightened up, holding the other's gaze steadily.

Lily forced the words out. 'It's just… this bloody, stupid war.'

'I know Lils.' A treacherous rush of warmth at the nickname filled her.

'I don't know which way is up anymore.'

Lily expected him to make some big speech about bravery and courage in the face of adversity, or something equally James Potter-esque, but he surprised her. Instead his hazel eyes appeared forlorn and he said 'We're just teenagers. It's not fair. I don't want to fight.'

Somehow, the idea that James Potter, the irrepressible James Potter, was scared by the approaching conflict was comforting. His fallibility was like a blanket. He too was human and the admittance of his fears qualified hers. It was ok to be terrified.

Lily took a step towards him and reached up to the mark on his cheek. Her slim fingers lightly touched the bruise and James' eyes flashed with an unreadable emotion though his figure remained frozen at the contact.

'You need to be more careful James. Next time, you could get seriously hurt.'

His eyes closed, as if deep in thought and Lily realised her hand was still gently stroking his face. She flushed and snatched it back. What the fuck was going on?

'I'm going to bed.'

James opened his eyes and nodded shortly.

Lily strode into her bedroom without a backward glance, confusion twisting her full lips. She couldn't deny that there was something about James Potter that seemed to draw her in. But Max set her very nerve endings alight. And James treated her with friendly detachment. No, she would not let this bizarre encounter set her on a path she had no desire to tread. They were friends. And that was on a good day. Besides, worrying about boys seemed such a shallow, unproductive exercise in the current climate. She must focus on her NEWTs. And the war.  
Lily fell asleep, her troubled thoughts screaming at her far more loudly than any Screechsnap could.


End file.
